Hold the Mascot

This week, McDonald's rolled out it's newest corporate mascot, an anthropomorphic Happy Meal box  who is imaginatively named "Happy."   Happy was immediately met by one of the biggest corporate backlashes I have seen since New Coke, the blowing up of Jack in the Box's boxes and the near-retirement of Bob's Big Boy.   For those of you who have not yet had the pleasure of being introduced to Happy, here is a picture of your favorite fast-food container.

Hi!  I'm Happy!  I will haunt your dreams!

Immediately the seven dwarfs disavowed any knowledge of Happy's existence.

Happy brings to mind one of my favorite adages:  Computer generated characters are often not the most appealing things in the world.  There have been many CG-created characters that are downright ugly...  The Polar Express comes immediately to mind.   But who thought that this character would be appealing to the hamburger-eating populace?   In my opinion, he's scary...  an opinion shared by the vast majority of McDonald's twitter followers, who have responded to the McDonald's announcement in a huge, vitriolic no-confidence vote.   I direct you to the twitter feed (Caution:   Naughty words ahead):  https://twitter.com/McDonalds/status/468466673784455169/photo/1

McDonald's has a pretty good track record in creating memorable mascots, from Mayor McCheese to Grimace.   However, Happy isn't the only creepy character they have foisted on the fast-food loyalists.   Remember the creepy 'Mac Tonight" moon that came out in the 1980's?  A lounge singer with a giant crescent moon for a head, he sang a version of Mac the Knife inviting you to enjoy "Mac Tonight."  Despite the commercial's success, I know I was not alone in being freaked out by Mac Tonight.   Good Night, Moon.

Mcdonald's Mac Tonight character borders on lunarcy. 

Of course, Mcdonald's is not alone in creating creepy mascots.   One of the worst was the Burger King circa 2008.   Burger King has had a bad time with mascots, ranging from Kurber Bing to the Marvelous Magical Burger King.  In the early 2000's they rolled out my vote for the creepiest one ever, the ever silent, ever smiling Burger King.   He shows up, silent and with a giant king mask over his face, offering people burger king sandwiches.   And amazingly, they eat it.  Each commercial seems like a set up to a horror movie, and ends similarly (depending on your opinion of Burger King sandwiches).  Here's an example, watch it in a well-lit room:



Jack-in-the-Box has a pretty nice mascot now...   but back in the 1970's they tried to create a cast of characters similar to the McDonaldsland characters.   Somewhere in my attic I think I still have these figurines....

 To refresh your memories, that's Jack, the Onion Ring Thing, Secret Sauce Agent, the Der Hamburger Meister, and the Fry Kid      The Fry Kid was the one you want to keep an eye on.  He always had that somewhat comatose look on his face, like he is in the midst of a drug hallucination...  which would explain the presence of the Onion Ring Thing.  My favorite was the secret sauce guy, who kept the secret of the secret sauce they put on their burgers.   Later I found out it was thousand island dressing.   Another childhood dream shattered.

Hey, if you were opening a restaurant and wanted to have a mascot, what would be the one animal you would NOT want as a spokesman?  If you said "rat", well, you'd be right.   You also would be the type that has never walked into a Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theater.  For some reason, marketing geniuses at this place decided that "rat" was the symbol of great pizza, and thus began Chuck E.'s reign over some of the worst pizza I have ever eaten.   Now to be fair, I haven't had the Pizza Time Players sing me a jingle in over 20 years, so there's a chance the pizza has improved.   But the mascot has not.   In fact, they recently gave Chuck E. a makeover to make him look more...   rat-like.  Chuck E. Cheese still rates with me a one of the worst fast-food mascots ever.

I never saw the Quizno's Spongemonkeys until I started researching this article.  I can't decide if I like them or hate them.   I'll let you decide...



While searching the Internet for mascots I came across Taco Man for Taco Bell.  He makes the Yo Quiero chihuahua look sophisticated in comparison.

What the heck is he wearing??  And why the human hands???

Lastly, I come to the worst mascot of all....   and it's a pet peeve of mine.   Why do Barbecue places always have to have pictures of animals cooking their brethren over an open fire?  This seems so cannibalistic to me.   It's a horror movie come to life...   and i am ashamed to say that it looks delicious.   Famous Dave's is probably the most famous example, but below are several other examples...  

At least the Chick-Fil-A cows try to get you to eat some other animals.