Halloween do's and don'ts...

Every year about this time, I am asked by several friends and relatives about what treats are appropriate to give to the kids who come to your door on Halloween.   Being an expert on this subject, I decided to post the answer here.   That way, I will have...   oh, about two less people ask me this year, judging by my readership. 

Halloween Treats Do's and Don'ts:

Homemade cookies: DON'T.   Let's be honest, the people in your neighborhood don't trust you.  Anything that you give them that is not clearly sealed by some factory worker in Mexico is immediately thrown in the trash.   That goes for the Christmas cookies you bake them every year as well.  Why go through the trouble?   Go buy something and stimulate the economy.  Besides, I've tasted your cookies... 
Tootsie Rolls:  DO.   But do them a favor and give out the fruit flavored ones.   They only come out once a year and taste better than the regular flavored ones.   What is the original flavor of Tootsie Rolls supposed to be anyways?   It's kinda like chocolate and yet it isn't. 
Candy Corn:  DON'T.   This is one of the few candies where the actual organic food tastes better than its candy counterpart.   I'd prefer you put a ear of corn in my bag than a bag of candy corn.
Twix Bars:  DO.   Just because I like them.   And you may give me the leftovers.
Any Candy With Wax Features:  DON'T.   What, do you think you are going to get trick-or-treaters from the 1930's?  Wax is not candy, it is WAX.   So, no wax lips, no wax fangs, no Nik-L-Nips...  none of that.   Keep the wax in your pumpkin where it belongs.
Candy Necklaces: DO.  Wow, candy you can wear!  Can it get any better than that?  Just turn your head and eat!   Best of all, it travels very little.   You wear it on your neck at the beginning of the night and wear it on your waist at the end of the night.
Money:  DO, but it better be more than nickles and pennies, bud.  Have you priced a candy bar lately?  Five bucks per person is appropriate.   Please send me your address if you decide on this option.
Fruit:  DON'T.   We are not in Victorian England, so do not give out apples and oranges, or you will get the fruit thrown at your front door later that evening.   It's called TRICK or TREAT for a reason, pal.
Mass produced, pre-packaged, recognizable candy are all DO'S.   Please notice that I said mass produced and recognizable.   Chick-O-Stick, Abba Zabba, and Bit O'Honey do NOT meet these standards.   Meanwhile, Smarties and Dum-dums do meet these qualifications, but please, how cheap do you really want to look to your friends and neighbors?   Give out a candy that actually look like you give a darn.  Bubble gum is out, or you'll step in it in the morning. 
Last big DON'T:   nothing flavored butterscotch.  And please, no button candy.  You might as well just feed them paper.

One last piece of advice:  Have a stock of those Harry Potter Jelly Beans on hand.... the ones that come in flavors like mud, grass, pepper etc.  These are the treats you give to anyone over the age of 15 .   This includes parents with an infant in their arms.   New Flash: They are not collecting for the kid.

Happy Halloween!